Still Reflection

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I’ve recently had a bit of an awakening.

I’ve been sick a lot this year and this last bout of illness, which I’m just now coming out of, has changed me.

I started to make some health changes in September after I confirmed that a hysterectomy is in my immediate future. I started taking my camera and getting outside more. I bought hiking boots. I got excited about being healthy. Then I got hit with a bacterial infection and my life stopped. As sick as I’ve been over the last 2 weeks, I can tell you that it was a blessing in disguise.

I couldn’t eat and I could barely drink at times. I was dehydrated, I was sick to my stomach, I was in severe pain, I was weaker than I’ve ever felt in my life. My heart would physically hurt when it would beat. I hated loud noises. I couldn’t stand hearing people talk. I turned off the TV and I stepped away from social media. I wanted to focus all my energy on healing my body. Little did I know that by trying to heal my body that I’d also start to heal my mind.

I’d sit on the couch in the darkness, listening to “Peaceful Piano” on Spotify because there were no voices. So, all I did was meditate, and meditate, and meditate. I’d sit there for hours in still reflection and listen to my body and my mind for, quite possibly, the first time in my life.

I have a new relationship with my body now. All I want to do is help it. Feed it the proper nutrition. Feed it positivity. Feed it love. Feed it kindness. Feed it laughter.

I’m so proud of my body. I’ve treated it so poorly for decades and it’s still in my corner, fighting for me. My heart still beats strong in my chest. I don’t have any major illnesses. All my parts work. I owe it my life and I’m now prepared to pay that debt by making sure that I give it the best life possible, until the end of my days.

I’m also proud of my mind for being as strong as it has been. I think I’ve felt I had to hang on to pain and hurt from my past in order to feel some control in my life. My mind has had to be rigid for years to help me make sense of so many things. I’ve been angry at a lot of people and situations. Now that I’m in such a better place, I feel so much better emotionally and mentally. I’m tired of all the negativity in my life and in the world. I cannot solve everyone’s problems and it’s not my job to do so. Right now, I’m putting on my own oxygen mask first.

I won’t ignore my body or my mind anymore. I’m going to give my body everything it needs to thrive, and my mind everything it needs to feel free.

Expansion by Paige Bradley

Expansion by Paige Bradley

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