I recently saw this quote above, on Facebook and my immediate thought was, “huh, that’s a nice thought isn’t it”.
I think it’s a rare breed of person who hasn’t occasionally had thoughts of self-doubt or self-loathing. I believe it must be in our ‘divine nature’ to struggle otherwise why would the biggest section in a bookstore be the self-help section? Sure struggle can help us see ‘what we’re made of’ when we can overcome said struggle, but sometimes you can get stuck. Sometimes depression can seep in. Sometimes self-care seems too hard.
I’ve been stuck since last August.
After a glorious 3 weeks in my beloved Bristol last July, I had to come back home in August and essentially come back to reality. That reality is one filled with some debt I hadn’t been able to pay off, having to live at home with my parents—one of which suffers from a painful and debilitating chronic nerve disorder who I worry about, stuck in an aging city I’m not happy to live in, and have long-ago outgrown. It really got me down.
Then, I woke up one morning in August to read a text message from a friend saying they were sorry to hear the news of an old friend’s passing. Even though we hadn’t spoken in a years, losing him hit me HARD.
I’ve gained a lot of weight since August too. But when you’re depressed, one of the side-effects is that you can sometimes go one of two ways—either you eat or you don’t. Well, I eat. More to the point, I eat sweets and pretty desserts because they make me feel special/better momentarily.
I’ve also been in the hospital this year for what I thought was a stroke but was essentially an anxiety attack that lasted for 4 days and then kept resurfacing every few weeks. I’ve had Cubital Tunnel in my right arm, and my PCOS has been off the charts with cycles happening every other week at times. I’ve been drained physically, emotionally, and mentally and in the end, my high-functioning depression also got a hold of me.
By March of this year I knew it was time to go back to see my psychiatrist but, sadly, we have a shortage of professionals in this city so he wasn’t able to get me in until May but it was during this time that I was in Bristol again for another 3 weeks. So, the next appointment I was able to get was for mid-July, which I’ve happily booked.
Thankfully, being in Bristol last month gave my mind, body, and soul some peace again. It also gave me some much-needed drive and direction. Bills are being paid off, a plan is in motion, and moving back to Bristol will someday soon be a reality. I’m feeling better about a lot of things after that trip.
In the meantime, while I wait for my July appointment where I can get more tools for my toolbox to help me deal with my current situation in a more productive way, I’m going to attempt to try to fall back in love with myself, the world, and life again. With my 44th birthday looming (how is THAT possible?!?!), I’m starting to get a bit tired of struggling and I think it would be nice to remember what I’m made of.
To all of you out there who are stuck, just take it one day at a time, my friends. One day at a time.